My Speech to the University Graduating Glass of 2009

Below is a transcript of the speech I gave last week at my alma mater:
First let me say thank you to the President of the University and the Trustees and Board members for asking me to speak here to day on the occasion of the graduation of the 121st class of this university. I was actually in the 80th graduating class myself. My Name is Dr. Lobo Jo.

One of the truism of any graduation is that no one ever remembers who spoke at their graduation and what they said. That is true of me, I had to look it up and even then I didn't know who the guy was. While that might also apply to this graduation, if it does, it will only be because you are higher than a kite right now. I promise you most of you will remember this graduation speech or the event anyway.

To the trustees, please be advised that the president did not have foreknowledge of the content of this speech. To the graduates let me say that this will be a participatory activity. I would greatly appreciate it if you would humor me and follow my instructions.

Ladies and gentlemen, first let me acknowledge that you are graduating at a most inauspicious time. It is really shitty out there in the real world. For those in the audience who are juniors or sophomores let me strongly recommend that you stretch out your stay in this institution as long as you can. If you are just finishing your Freshman year then you guys need to think about cutting your losses and dropping out now and finding the best wage earning job you can.

Once upon a time the bachelor degree was a ticket to a better life and a higher earning bracket. The investment you made in college would pay off in just a few years. Over time the graduate would reap substantial benefits for the financial investment and effort. Unfortunately that has not be true for more than a decade now. Of course we perpetuate the lie. It is in our interest to do so. Unfortunately most of the educational hierarchy actually still believe it. But boys and girls you've been had. It just ain't true no more.

Prior to 1970 the societal investment in each of you was about 75% of the actual cost of your education.
Society, your State, or your Alumni, or somebody paid three fourths the cost of your education. If was a fair investment. Everybody made a profit on it, the individual, the government, society at large. But then things changed.

After the 1968 Presidential election some new spirit was aroused in the land. That 25% began to shift upwards. Not so noticeable at first, just little extra user fees. Maybe the textbook cost a few bucks more. And so the actual cost of education crept upwards. Faster I might add than did inflation, say by a factor of about 8 times. You know it grew slowly, not much, just a half percentage point or so each year over the ideal 25%. The shift of the cost burden to the individual began as well. The percentage each student or their families paid crept up and up as well. Of course not in ways that were easily detected.

At the same time two other forces were in play as well. First was the subtle shift to vocationalization of the liberal arts. Second was the shift of resources from the degrees beneficial to society to the degrees beneficial to business and corporations.

To make a long story short, those of you who are graduating here today with a bachelors in elementary education, English, and social work, have actually paid much more for your degree than it cost this university to provide it. Those of you in Engineering, Chemistry, and other such degrees you have been subsidized by your fellow students in these other degrees.
In the name of equality you all pay the same tuition and fees, but in the realm of equity those of you who have these lower caste degrees have been screwed.

Yes I know both types of graduates had to borrow on the average $40,000 to financed their degree and that you education majors will make only 1/3rd as much as the engineers the first year after graduation (if any of you make anything). Tough nipple that, it's the way we have let this thing evolve and that is the way it is.

OK, first activity. Everybody with a Liberal Arts or Education Degree please stand up. Thank you. Now the rest of you give them a big round of applause. Bigger than that please. These people have sacrificed so that you may not to have to pay what you should have. Sit down now if you will.

OK, next everybody that has in excess of $40,000 in student loans please stand up. Excellent, that is more than half of you. Be seated. Now those that have between $20,000 and $40,000. Good not so many there. Please sit. Those of you that have from $1 to $19,999. OK, even less. Now I want those of you who have no student loans what so ever to stand. OK, thank you both, you may sit down.

You know of course that these loans will hang like a rotten albatross about your neck for a very very long time. They can not be discharged by bankruptcy or in some cases even death. So kiss that dream home goodbye, those kids will have to wait, and as for a new car, well buy a bicycle. there are $85 billion in unpaid or yet to be paid student loans in effect right now. You guys will just upped the anti. What's left of the banks in America thank you.

OK, now, everyone who has a new job waiting for them upon graduation please stand. Now of those standing that are going into the military please sit down. Good, OK, you sir, the only one still standing can you tell us what job is awaiting you? Student Loans collector! Outstanding , now there is a guy who know how to fit into the new world order.

Now, let us consider the social shifts that will and are actually effecting you as you graduate today. Would all of the white males please stand. OK guys, look around you. Your are about 26% of your class. Your time is over. I know, I know, it looks like the white males are still in charge but that is simple a lagging indicator to the true situation. Your time as the top dog is done. By the time you guys are 40 your reign as masters and owners will be an artifact of history. My advise is make friends with these others sitting around you now while you can.

How many of you are Democrats? Hum, not so many. How many are Republicans? You three guys are really brave you know that. How many independents? OK, what are the rest of you? Alright, everybody that don't really give a shit please stand up. Half of you? Wow, that's a new party , the DRGAS party. Don't Really Give A Shit : DRGAS: the Doctor Gas Party!

Now let's take a look a the terrible wages and low income you can expect in the near future. If the minimum wage for 1968 were paid today in todays money it would be nearly twelve dollars and..... Well I see... OK

Well I see that the Chancellor of the university system has brought in some help for his rent-a-cops, memebers of the local police force are here. They are in the wings over to my left and they have guns and are motioning me to come over to them. OK, well here they are coming out to......
But I haven't got to the part global warm......

(the rest of my speech, about half of it, went undelivered)