I AM A PUBLIC NUISANCE

I have the documents to prove it. I am a public nuisance. I had stuff stored in my carport that was: "Trash" ...which meant..." any refuse, litter, ashes, debris, paper, combustible materials, rubbish, offal or waste, or matter of any kind or form which is uncared for, discarded, or abandoned."

I also had items stored in my carport in sealed plastic containers , however... anything that is not designed for outdoor use, for a residential area, can not be stored outside....the containers did not fit this definition.

In addition I had a ....unlawful and an offense for any person to park, store, leave, or permit the parking, storing, or leaving of any vehicle of any kind which is in an abandoned, wrecked, dismantled, inoperative, rusted, junked, or partially dismantled condition whether attended or not, upon any public or private property within the City for a period of time in excess of 72 hours. The presence of an abandoned, wrecked, dismantled, inoperative, rusted, junked or partially dismantled vehicle or parts thereof on private or public property is hereby declared a public nuisance which may be abated as such in accordance with the provisions of this article. That would be my 1982 Volkswagen Vanagon with the 924 Porche engine in it that was last licensed in 2002. Further more I had sinned once more by storing some of those plastic containers inside the Vanagon. So I was out of compliance with the Neighborhood Service Department Codes.

Now I did have 30 years accumulation of "stuff" but to call it junk, or trash, or worse "Offal" was an exaggeration. But then again as I have said I am poor white trash and it became obvious even though I had lived in the neighborhood longer than damn near anybody else, my quality of premises was not up to the standards of my current neighbors. You see, the Stealth Code Officers of the Neighborhood Stasi do not visit you unless someone has complained.

Now anyone can complain. Any single person can complain. One annal a-hole with a corn cob........ can bring out the enforcers.

We have been recently blessed with a new alignment of neighborhood associations in my fair city. So there are new people and new elected officers etc. and some of them have decided to clean up the neighborhood.

Bless them, they included me and mine in their projects.

So I'm going out to get in my truck to go buy some stuff at the lumberyard when I see this Pink paper taped to my VW with a bright orange sticker. That started it all. Never saw the environmental code officer. No one knocked at my door. So I called and was told that the officer I had asked for by name was on vacation. I informed the person talking that I didn't think so in that she had given me a citation less that two hours ago. After a few minutes I am talking to said officer.

She tells me that I have to get rid of my Vanagon and clean up my carport. I have ten working days. OK, says I, so I don't count the days over the Labor Day weekend coming up in three days. She says no you don't. She's being helpful so she says , look, I put the re-inspection after BIG JUNK pickup day which is the 12th, so how about Monday the 17th. Great says I. She says she will be on vacation until the 17th so that works out for her.

So we start the process of donating the Vanagon and moving the stored items and offal. Then we get a letter. Instead of one violation that I heard on the phone I have two with multiple sub-sets to boot. It is not my "car-port" cited but my premises.

The date is not the 17th, it is the 10th two days before the trash guys will pick up the stuff, and while Ms. Officer will be on vacation. So that means some other "officer" will inspect. Someone who will inspect the "Premises" the whole carport and yard. Well now my premises even though behind fences would certainly not meet compliance of the codes I had looked up. Screwed I guess.

Family conference.

Everything goes, the grown kids will come over to help us, and we will be ruthless.

Now we can't begin to pile stuff out to the curb for BIG JUNK pickup until the Sunday before the Wednesday that the BIG JUNK pickup will happen or we will be in violation of the Sanitation Departments rules.

I'm getting exhausted just thinking about all of this.

We pile the junk up. Give away countless things. Donate my VW and even tear down the damn carport (once the stuff was out of it, it became a obvious non-compliance item itself.).

As an aside it is amazing how much of my "junk" was taken off of my BIG JUNK pickup pile by people passing by. They agreed with me that it wasn't junk at all.

Come inspection day. Nobody comes.

Two weeks later, ain't seen nobody, aint heard nothin, ain't got no letter.

Am I abated, or still screwed.

I should call? No way!

I will wait and see what's next.

The BIG JUNK pickup people were not happy about the size of my pile. The took down my address and filled out some paper work as I watched from the window. Now what the hell does that mean?