Security Solution for Airline Passengers

The recent attempt to blow up a Delta plane while it was landing has generated some of the dumbest regulations yet. Like, they want you not to go to the rest room or get out of your seat the last hour of a flight. In that some days the "last hour" of the flight is often 2 or 3 or 4 hours long, will we have to raise our hand and ask permission to keep from peeing in our pants? What if the flight attendant is feeling mean just then and says no?

And then there is the new rule that you can't have anything in your lap for the last hour of the flight. Say what? I can just see all those 14 year old boys being arrested at the end of the flight for refusing to shut down a video game when they are just about to achieve their highest score ever.
How about those two year olds? Yes, you must take their blankey or boobear away from them for the last hour of the flight! It is regulations you know.

Let us just cut to the chase shall we. The only way we will be able to achieve a high security on airplane trips is to start treating the passengers like packages. So first we have to restrict what can fly. No passengers under 10 years of age. No passengers under 60 lbs or over 300 lbs. No passengers with any assisting device such as a wheel chair, sight dog, air tank, etc. that may be able to harbor an explosive device. No passenger that can not hold their bladder for the duration of the flight for flights under 4 hours (On longer flights passengers will be given supervised potty breaks). No passengers without an official doctor certified medical permit can be permitted to fly.

Next step is to contain and regulate the packages , er, the passengers. There will be no carry on items of any kind. All passengers will exchange all of their clothing for a standardized jump suit and slippers. All passengers will then go through a complete scanning process to determine if they harbor within their bodies any harmful devices. They will then be seated in clear-view-self-contained plastic cubicles stacked three deep and facing towards the isle. For those with mental conditions suppressing drugs will be made available. (Actually the jump suits themselves will be impregnated with a light tranquilizer)

Each plane will be equipped with a passenger suppression systems that can render any or all passengers unconscious in case of mis-behavior by merely pushing the right button at the attendants station.

Even so these new efforts may not be sufficient. For example, we will need to ascertain for each passenger if there has been any unusual genetic flaw in their family background. For example, has any relative been known to spontaneously combust?

And oh yes, you must check in 24 hours before your flight and receive a laxative to purge your digestive system of any possible chemicals that might interact with anyone else's chemicals in the toilet to cause an explosion or deadly gas attack.